“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” -Matthew 17:20
When I think about 2014, It think about how it’s been a rough one… I really cannot wait until 2015. But it also has been a year of growth and opportunity, of dreams and of FAITH. I wrote the following on January 29. It’s cool to go back and read about how God delivered me then, and just KNOW that He’s going to deliver me now. I mean my suffering is minimal [I can dramatize life from time to time], but this reminds me that I am living my dream from Jan 29, 2014. And soon enough I’ll be living my dream of Aug 7, 2014, and so on and so forth. God provides and is faithful, and I praise Him for that!
This is my hopeful look.
You see I did something within the past day that most people would call crazy. Heck, I wondered if I was crazy while I was doing it. But when I took time to stop and pray and seek God, I knew, I KNOW that this is what I need to do.
The past month and a half has been quite the journey. I left my beloved Kentucky and the most amazing two and a half years volunteering with the Christian Appalachian Project. I knew it was going to be a tough transition, but I didn’t know why I was doing it.
Strange, I know. How could I not know why when I was the one making the decision to leave. Last weekend it hit. Everything started coming together. I saw glimpses of hope again. Though I had found a well-paying job that helps people, got a car and insurance, had an amazing house in the perfect location with the sweetest roommates [everything the world could ever want/offer] I felt empty, worthless, and without a dream or direction.
I found the house/roommates through a mutual friend back in late august, and sealed the deal by october. Why? Because I thought I was “supposed” to move home after CAP [that’s what everyone else does] and it “just makes sense”. I was also told by my parental unit that I could live with them for two weeks, but after that I needed to find my own place. So I panicked. I rushed the process. I made sure I had a place to live, shelter.
On my journey out of Kentucky, I heard of an opportunity to stay. A job with the organization I loved and had volunteered for. When I was working there, I knew I didn’t want that job, but when it provided an opportunity to stay… It became rather delightful. So I applied for it.
And then I told my housemates before I moved in. And of course they weren’t happy [I wouldn’t be in their position]. They told me I would need to replace myself. So I freaked. Who do I know in the cities anymore?! How do I use Craigslist?! Worries and anxiety filled my thoughts over the holidays.
I decided it wasn’t worth it. I liked my housemates. I liked the house. And the rent was cheap. So it all “made sense”. I decided to stay. I applied for jobs upon jobs upon jobs, open to grocery stores, coffee shops, commission-based sales jobs and non-profits. I had 4 interviews and another one scheduled when I found my job. The interview went great! I loved the people I was going to get to work with, and I would be doing something positive with my life…. Helping people with disabilities live on their own. And it paid well… I would just need a car… and a little bit pricier insurance [to transport clients].
This is where my parents came in. They are honestly so amazing! They carted me around to and from work. Let me borrow one of their cars which made one of them stuck at home during the day. And then after work, we would car/insurance shop. Mom is the wheeler and dealer… Jim is the knowledge base and question asker, and insurance guru. I couldn’t have done it without them! Within my first week of training, I had a car with insurance.
Which brings us to my first weekend with a car. What do you do when you get a new car?! Ummm… ROADTRIP! Yes, mine was just 2-3 hours, but I went HOME. Since my parents moved to the cities, I hadn’t had the opportunity to go HOME home. And it’s true what they say, there’s no place like home. [Home is where the heart is 🙂 ] And it was perfect.
My sister friend hosted me with her adorable son and dog. That’s the perfect escape as it is – Good convos, dog therapy, and lots of playing and laughs with the kid 🙂 I couldn’t have asked for anything more. But God provided so much more! An amazing homemade Italian dinner with homemade wine and second parents, an inspiring visit with an elder soul sister, a reunion with a cousin that I realized I have more in common with than I thought, and church – the one thing that has always been there, through all my crazy life transitions. Not to mention Premiere Theatres popcorn, top the tater, Bearaboo and Warming House coffee delicacies, and that feeling that you can only get when you go to the place where your story began.
Happiness and joy refound.
Until I returned to the cities. Back to my inner darkness, depression, hopelessness. Monday work was intimidating, as new jobs tend to be, so I tried to shrug it off.
But I couldn’t. I finally decided I needed to TAKE TIME to SEEK GOD. And I did. I journaled, and listened to praise music and cried until I fell asleep. In the morning [as per usual lately] I couldn’t get myself out of bed. I cried some more. I got myself into my car, and cried some more. Literally bawling all the way to work. And it was like an hour sobbing in bad traffic jams.
I cried on the phone as I called my friend. What do I do? You love Kentucky she says. No, it’s just my job. You love Kentucky. I do. You know what you have to do. I do.
I resigned from my job yesterday. It was one that I couldn’t continue simply for the money. Vulnerable clients were involved and I didn’t want to cause damage just because I need money. Today I handed in my keys and everything. They’ll still pay me for my time and they were super gracious, understanding my need to return to Kentucky.
My housemates were upset when I told them last night, that I wanted to be out within the month [again, understandable, but not easy for me as a people-pleaser]. They told me they don’t want to live with a stranger, so my replacement should be found through a mutual friend. I started through facebook and have two leads – so I’m praying that God provides.I know I have to at least try.
I am following my dream. And unlike many people my dream isn’t of money or stuff or a fancy job goal, my dream is to return to Kentucky, a place that has become my home. So I may be working at a Starbucks or Panera or Walmart or McDonalds, but I’ll be in Kentucky. Call me crazy, but that sounds just about as good as it gets.
So here I am, in Starbucks in MN, reading my Bible, drinking coffee, praying, journaling, trusting that even in this crazy mess of my life, God will get my through. And I’ll be a little bit stronger because of it. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m going to focus on it. Not the barriers that have been knocking me down for the past month, but the light that will guide me through.
It’s time to let go of “should dos” and “makes sense” and time to go with my heart. Be crazy. Do what people don’t expect. Don’t live by the rules. Travel. Journey. Dance. Smile. Laugh. And be who I was created to be. A child of God with a love for Kentucky. Crazy. Creative. Compassionate. Me.
Cheers to you God and for guiding me through. For sticking with me, even when I thought I could please the world and get through on my own. You never let me go and you never will. That’s super cool. I love you more than I could imagine. With you, all is possible. Let’s make dreams come true 🙂