Confessions of a Missionary

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nup9jpxYYeE

If life goes according to plan, I will move into cleftRock in less than a week. My subconscious has been holding all my stress and tension for me. Let’s call the babe – my dream – my call to be a missionary at cleftRock.

I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I’ve done
Holy Father, You have come
And chosen me now to carry Your Son

When I think of the future, I think of how unqualified I am. I think of my sin. How can I care for the ones called by God to share His Message with others? I am so not worthy. Not even close.

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now, be with me now

Most of my subconscious stress or fear has been shining through my inability to sleep. I’ve been staying up as late as 4:30am each night for the past week. I’ve always had this thing… that if I don’t sleep, then I don’t have to wake up and face, face life.

However last night I fell asleep SUPER early [11:30pm]. This time my fears were manifested in my dreams. I dreamt that my friends and family were dropping me off at my new home, but it wasn’t cozy at all. It was an old warehouse, concrete slabs, broken furniture, nasty ginormous bugs crawling around, but I was trying so hard to think positively and be content. I was trying so hard not to let the loneliness sink in.

One thought that passes through my mind too often is the loneliness that comes with being a missionary. I’m new to this, so maybe this gets better, but this is what I’ve experience so far: silence. Now there is an extreme amount of encouragement from people that I wouldn’t expect, but there is a super lack of encouragement from those I’d hope would support me, at least with their words or belief. I’m sure I just need to learn how to let this go, but it’s tough knowing that people will avoid talking to me about my job and passion because they think it’s unacceptable to support-raise. It’s completely acceptable, and sometimes even mandatory, to tithe so that the church and church leaders will be supported. Ask for money yourself?! No way José.

In these moments, I just breathe. I remember what God has called me to, and I pray.

Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy
Breath of Heaven

This past month or so has been tricky. I’ve been working through my previous volunteer experience, which was PHENOMENAL! And it’s hard to let PHENOMENAL go when it’s so close. AND JOBS KEEP OPENING UP. Hello mixed feelings, fits of tears, crazy obsessing over what to do with my life, prayer, and once again letting go and trusting. But the problem is in my “Year of Opportunity” – the looks of keeping doors open aren’t quite convincing of passion for donors.

Which leads me back to I AM SO NOT QUALIFIED. I’M HUMAN. I GET DISTRACTED. I have been blessed with many passions and opportunities. Sometimes I can’t say no to an open door until it closes on me. Opportunities sometimes create doubts. I DOUBT. But you know who doesn’t have doubts?! Who’s plan will NEVER fail. GOD. SUPPORT GOD. I will fail. HE WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN.

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong, help me be, help me

Are you sure you want me God? ME REALLY? I mean I’m willing. This is all I’ve got to offer. You sure you want me for this? You know my troubles, my failures, and lack thereofs. Okay, you gotta help me, ’cause I definitely can’t do this alone, without you.

Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy

Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy
Breath of Heaven, Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven

This is all you God. ALL YOU.

Song writers: CHRIS EATON, AMY GRANT

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s