So I’ve been meaning to fill you all in on my first month at cleftRock. I have oftentimes compared it to cliff jumping. The before is exciting, exhilarating and this awesome unknown. So I run and run passionately in the direction of my dreams, and then I jump and it’s thrilling and scary and amazingly faith-filled. I’m flying! As the icy cold waters rush over me, at first, it feels all loving and refreshing and it consumes me. Then suddenly I remember in a panic, that I don’t know how to swim. All the important questions that I hadn’t asked because I was so excited to simply run away from where I was and fly to something else, something better. Now I’m thrashing, sinking and feeling less like I’m living my dreams, but more like I made a mistake, it’s dark, and I’m alone. Only after I allow myself to struggle for a bit too long, do I hear a still small voice saying, “Just float,” And I feel a gentle presence calming my heart, mind, and soul. I’m floating. I’m breathing steadily. God is guiding me along the river in the direction of our dreams. And for now I’m simply letting Him carry me along, and that’s all He needs me to do. Be still and know that I am God [Psalm 46:10].
From my perspective, I wrote this in a text message to a friend during my first week back after the holidays:
I got my car all packed with leftovers from my apt and then it wouldn’t start – deadzo. But I got a jump and my mechanic said itz alright so I headed to cR where I was attached by the flu [a going-away gift from Minnesota, [“Suck it Kentucky!”] so I was out all day Wednesday and all the while trying to persuade the mouse in my cabin to leave me and my stuff alone! Oh and yesterday on my run I was ferociously barked and nipped at by dogs on my road that hate me, as well as nearly tackled by a large playful dog that loves to leap!
That’s my week.
To add to this, my computer charger also died, so for a couple weeks I was without a laptop to watch movies [and since I don’t have a super smart phone, I also didn’t have access to wifi]… I felt drastically close to the characters of “Into the Woods.”
I WISH. MORE THAN ANYTHING. I WISH.
All the questions my family and friends had been asking hit me like a baseball bat to the gut. Oh I get it now, they were just caring by asking these questions, that I need to learn to consider before I jump into new experiences… Next time I’ll know.
I wish I would have heard this song during the the month of strugglefest, but alas, it’s encouraging to hear now:
Life started getting better during team-building week. It saved cR me. I was able to open up to my very loving and accepting team about how I was actually doing, who I am and what I need to survive [aka socialization and LOTS OF HUGS!] 🙂 It was wonderful getting to know each of my teammates, as well as myself better.
Once I accepted I wasn’t completely alone, I remembered to actually listen to God. After one of the lovely snowfalls, I went for a photo walk with Jesus. He reminded me that even though this time is cold and uncomfortable, it is also very beautiful. I just need to refocus myself on God and all that He is doing and I will see the shimmering pure beauty of His creation, timing, and plan.
Now this realization doesn’t make everything all better and/or easy, but doable. With God ALL is possible [Matthew 19:26]. Not an easy certain, but a hard-working, intentional POSSIBLE. Which is exactly how I foresee this cR journey to be, possible only through God, hard-but-good work, and intentional in every aspect, especially relational.
This month – February – cleftRock takes a sabbatical to practice what we preach and rest/rejuvenate. I realize it might seem silly considering I’ve only been working full-time with cleftRock for a month. But if you’ve followed me at all this past year, it’s been full of crazy transitions and leaps of faith. I must say I am quite exhausted. I will be traveling to see family in Indiana and Idaho, and would gracious accept prayers as I journey to socialize as much as possible 🙂 as well as train for my half-marathons [ferocious dog-free], and discern how God would like to provide for this cR journey – and what I need to do to help. Thank you for your continued prayers and support!!!