Weary Sinner

Tired. Worn.

Packing up that which was.

As I prepare for what will be.

Doors close behind, as I wait in faith.

The looming hallway between darkens.

Struggling, I give in anxiously.

How long will I wait?

. . .

On my knees now I pray:

Forgiveness for my impatience.

Patience for my waiting.

Waiting in expectance.

Expecting something greater.

Greater than what is now.

Now soon to be memories.

Memories soon shall be made new.

New doors will open.

Opened by God, those I shall walk through.

. . .

Always forgiven,

His beloved, I am.

White as snow,

Despite my sins,

and disobedience.

Ignoring His voice,

Even when I know

What He offers is GREATER.

. . .

Thankful for His sacrifice.

I run towards His embrace.

Surrendering,

Again,

All that ties me down.

Free,

Now,

To follow His path,

His dream,

At His pace.

“28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

-Bible Gateway – English Standard Version

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Come Color, and Rest

Have you ever experienced moments when change, expected or unexpected, has knocked you to your knees? Over this past week especially (and several before that), I have found the possibility of and preparation for change repetitively knock me to my knees.

I’ve struggled as I have attempted to bear the weight of my world on my shoulders, all by myself. Control, I sought to hold on to. However, my balance shook as I tripped and stumbled over people, places and work that used to hold me steady. Change, though consistently a constant, somehow is still surprising in the moment it occurs. I’ve tried my best to delegate my way through this transition, but my temptation is to control each step of the way. In my mind, it is my responsibility to follow this call of God, and to hustle my way through it. There are jobs to apply for, networkers who need updates, phone calls to be made, apartments to hunt, rooming decisions to be thought-over, an apartment to pack up and move west, all the while upholding a full-time job, part-time volunteering and my Kentucky social life. Not-so-surprising, my personal circus has taken its toll on my emotional stability. I’ve burst into tears thrice this week, twice in the bathroom of my workplace. Friends and family may applaud my courage and faith in following Christ wherever He leads, but I must admit, I’m not the most composed when I do so. In fact, I’m a mess.

Accompanied by the transition blues, I drove three and a half hours home today from my visit to my brother’s family in Indianapolis. After a joy-filled weekend, I suddenly felt glum. I didn’t feel like myself, despaired within an emotional fog. I was in a rough state, and it is by the grace of God I even made it back safely. Physically intact, I was however emotionally distraught.

Upon reaching Kentucky, home, I felt a sudden dread, experienced once before during a pre-transition restlessness. This place that used bring light into my life, the joy of serving others and meeting new people, was now dimmed to gray. Anger, frustration and pure exhaustion at the thought of my “to-do list” built inside until a breaking point. For me, it was the three cars that passed me on the right, too impatient to give me time to move over for them that burst my bubble. “Get me out of this freakin’ hellhole!” were the aggravated words that burst from my distraught volcano of emotions. A few tears found their way down my cheek as the burden of feelings were finally released.

Since first hearing God’s call to Colorado, approximately four months ago, I’ve experienced all the emotions ranging from sadness and ignorance, prayer and discernment, excitement and fear, to the restless readiness that now occupies my inner being. Initially, I let go of the idea altogether, until God brought it up again, and again and again and again. When God wants us somewhere, He won’t let us miss the boat, that’s for sure. 😉 Since then, I’ve researched possibilities, reminisced memories and prepared myself for whatever might be, trusting and following God each step of the way. 

I’ve been faithfully job-searching, networking and building my “Career Savings Account” since January began. Juggling that with my active life and investing in my writing life (through writing daily and joining COMPEL training), I find myself feeling like I’m working three jobs. This week, I heard God ask me to stop everything and to breathe, which is something I oftentimes forget to do.

“Rest,” He said, “This is MY call, Sarah. Rest, and let me do the work. Rest in my presence. Rest.”

“But, but, but,” I tried to protest…

To which God just responded, “Rest.”

God calls us to change. This is guaranteed. The world tells us we need do everything, so we can be the best and maintain control, but God is counter-cultural. God says, “Let go, and let Me do what I’m good at. I called you. I will provide for you. I will let you help me along the way, but until that happens, just breathe. I’ve got this.”

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

This week as I was praying my way through this idea of letting go and resting, God lead me to this picture to color. He reminded me as I worked my way through it, to leave parts of it colorless as a reminder that it is not all up to me. There will be times when I need to put in the effort and hustle, but there will also be moments of rest when God will color in the blanks for me. Because I am His Beloved.

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Don’t let change overwhelm you, as I have so easily done. If changes drive you anywhere in life, let them drive you to your knees, closer to a Father who loves you and wants to color your life with His purpose and presence.

Thanks and Good Night [to HomeDreamLight]

[Believe it or not, it is difficult to delete an old blog. It’s like saying goodbye to a part of me, and of course the people that helped me along the way. But in order to focus here, on The Rah Raw Diaries, I had to say goodbye. I copied it here, because I want to remember it.]

Thank you to all of you who followed me as I chased my cleftRock dream through working at CAP. Journeying back to Kentucky was one of the most rash decisions, yet best I have ever made. All the encouragement and “likes” I received along the way through sharing stories of love, loss, adventures and everything in-between, made a beautiful difference in my life.

I have now fully transitioned to my other blog and will be deleting this one in a day or two. Most of my posts were transferred to: The Rah Raw Diaries so you can still find them there, if you need to reminisce on any of the delightful messages that God taught us.

You are more than welcome to continue to follow me on my new adventure of “Harvesting spiritual strength through emotional emptiness.” If not, I bid you adieu and merci beaucoup. It’s been fun 🙂

Risk it, live your dreams, and love people – we need each other ❤

Overwhelm Me

Overwhelming is the sea I’m swimming in,

As I strive against the tide.

The harder I fight, it returns double.

Exhausted, I lose my might.

. . .

Suddenly I feel a thought overwhelming,

As my struggling minimizes to a halt.

Letting go of my will, I exhale,

And steadily float along.

. . .

Peace overwhelming, like never before

I sing as I float, though waters rush.

To my Lord, I pray, again and again

Overwhelm me, overwhelming Lord of all.

Greater Means

As I plead,

I hear you say,

“If you stay,

Sure things would be okay.

. . .

“But this is not meant to last.

So enjoy it while you can.

Be here and present in this dance.

Live in the now, not in your plan.”

. . .

Oh Lord, these people I’m growing to love.

How do I leave such, all behind?

Lord, please tell me your will indeed,

With yours may mine align.

. . .

“Then you choose to follow,

Wherever I shall call.

Trust in me dearest one, believe,

For my promises will enthrall.

. . .

“I do not tread this path lightly.

Sacrifices, I realize, you must take.

Please remember darlin’, it ain’t about you.

Greater means, I assure you, are at stake.”