Have you ever experienced moments when change, expected or unexpected, has knocked you to your knees? Over this past week especially (and several before that), I have found the possibility of and preparation for change repetitively knock me to my knees.
I’ve struggled as I have attempted to bear the weight of my world on my shoulders, all by myself. Control, I sought to hold on to. However, my balance shook as I tripped and stumbled over people, places and work that used to hold me steady. Change, though consistently a constant, somehow is still surprising in the moment it occurs. I’ve tried my best to delegate my way through this transition, but my temptation is to control each step of the way. In my mind, it is my responsibility to follow this call of God, and to hustle my way through it. There are jobs to apply for, networkers who need updates, phone calls to be made, apartments to hunt, rooming decisions to be thought-over, an apartment to pack up and move west, all the while upholding a full-time job, part-time volunteering and my Kentucky social life. Not-so-surprising, my personal circus has taken its toll on my emotional stability. I’ve burst into tears thrice this week, twice in the bathroom of my workplace. Friends and family may applaud my courage and faith in following Christ wherever He leads, but I must admit, I’m not the most composed when I do so. In fact, I’m a mess.
Accompanied by the transition blues, I drove three and a half hours home today from my visit to my brother’s family in Indianapolis. After a joy-filled weekend, I suddenly felt glum. I didn’t feel like myself, despaired within an emotional fog. I was in a rough state, and it is by the grace of God I even made it back safely. Physically intact, I was however emotionally distraught.
Upon reaching Kentucky, home, I felt a sudden dread, experienced once before during a pre-transition restlessness. This place that used bring light into my life, the joy of serving others and meeting new people, was now dimmed to gray. Anger, frustration and pure exhaustion at the thought of my “to-do list” built inside until a breaking point. For me, it was the three cars that passed me on the right, too impatient to give me time to move over for them that burst my bubble. “Get me out of this freakin’ hellhole!” were the aggravated words that burst from my distraught volcano of emotions. A few tears found their way down my cheek as the burden of feelings were finally released.
Since first hearing God’s call to Colorado, approximately four months ago, I’ve experienced all the emotions ranging from sadness and ignorance, prayer and discernment, excitement and fear, to the restless readiness that now occupies my inner being. Initially, I let go of the idea altogether, until God brought it up again, and again and again and again. When God wants us somewhere, He won’t let us miss the boat, that’s for sure. 😉 Since then, I’ve researched possibilities, reminisced memories and prepared myself for whatever might be, trusting and following God each step of the way.
I’ve been faithfully job-searching, networking and building my “Career Savings Account” since January began. Juggling that with my active life and investing in my writing life (through writing daily and joining COMPEL training), I find myself feeling like I’m working three jobs. This week, I heard God ask me to stop everything and to breathe, which is something I oftentimes forget to do.
“Rest,” He said, “This is MY call, Sarah. Rest, and let me do the work. Rest in my presence. Rest.”
“But, but, but,” I tried to protest…
To which God just responded, “Rest.”
God calls us to change. This is guaranteed. The world tells us we need do everything, so we can be the best and maintain control, but God is counter-cultural. God says, “Let go, and let Me do what I’m good at. I called you. I will provide for you. I will let you help me along the way, but until that happens, just breathe. I’ve got this.”
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
This week as I was praying my way through this idea of letting go and resting, God lead me to this picture to color. He reminded me as I worked my way through it, to leave parts of it colorless as a reminder that it is not all up to me. There will be times when I need to put in the effort and hustle, but there will also be moments of rest when God will color in the blanks for me. Because I am His Beloved.
Don’t let change overwhelm you, as I have so easily done. If changes drive you anywhere in life, let them drive you to your knees, closer to a Father who loves you and wants to color your life with His purpose and presence.